LET'S LAUGH
('Inspiration for the Soul' follows the jokes)
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What's on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight began….
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight began….
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight began….
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have told her you ‘IQ’ you might have gotten disability too.”
And then the fight began….
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion.
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could celebrate that long?”
And then the fight began….
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the T-bone steak, medium rare, please."
The waiter asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
I said “Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight began....
My wife was standing looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.
She said, “I feel horrible, I look old, and ugly. “I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I said, “You got great eyesight!”
And then the fight began....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her backside look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight began….
My wife told me Friday night that she wanted me to spend Saturday with her shopping.
Saturday morning, I got up early and unknowingly waking my wife up. She remained quiet as
I quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.
Trying not to laugh, my loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight began….
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet anticipation.
She replied, "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So, I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight began....
My wife and I are watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to mess around?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
With intentions just to pick on her I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight began....
I was at the grocery store shopping with my wife. As we were walking down the beverage isle, I picked up a twelve pack of beer and placed it in the grocery cart.
My wife said, “Honey, what are you doing?” “I thought you were going to save money and stop drinking beer.”
I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re right” and took the twelve pack out and placed it back on the shelf.
We made our way through the store and ended up at the cosmetic area.
My wife picked up a small glass container of cream and placed it in the grocery cart.
I looked at her and said, “Honey what is that? That stuff is thirty-dollars!” What about us wanting to save money?”
She replied, “Honey, you don’t understand. This cream is going to take my wrinkles away and make me look young again.”
I replied, “That twelve pack would have done that for half the price!”
And then the fight began….
KEEP LAUGHING/KEEP SMILING
INSPIRATION FOR THE SOUL
ENGLISH TEST
MARK THIS PARAGRAPH INTO SENTENCES USING CAPITALS AT THE BEGINNING AND PERIODS AT THE END OF SENTENCES. INSERT COMMAS, ETC., WHERE NEEDED. ONCE YOU BEGIN, DO NOT TRY TO GO BACK AND CORRECT ANYTHING.
He is a young man yet experienced in vice and wickedness he is never found in opposing the works of iniquity he takes delight in the downfall of his neighbors he never rejoices in the prosperity of his fellow-creatures he is always ready to assist in destroying the peace of society he takes no pleasure in serving the Lord he is uncommonly diligent in sowing discord among his friends and acquaintances he takes no pride in laboring to promote the cause of Christianity he has not been negligent in endeavoring to tear down the church he makes no effort to subdue his evil passions he strives hard to build up satan’s kingdom he lends no aid to the support of the gospel among heathen he contributes largely to the devil he will never go to heaven he must go where he will receive his just reward.
Common punctuation by the majority of people.
He is a young man, yet experienced in vice and wickedness. He is never found in opposing the works of iniquity. He takes delight in the downfall of his neighbors. He never rejoices in the prosperity of his fellow-creatures. He is always ready to assist in destroying the peace of society. He takes no pleasure in serving the Lord. He is uncommonly diligent in sowing discord among his friends and acquaintances. He takes no pride in laboring to promote the cause of Christianity. He has not been negligent in endeavoring to tear down the church. He makes no effort to subdue his evil passions. He strives hard to build up satan’s kingdom. He lends no aid to the support of the gospel. Among the heathen, he contributes largely to the devil. He will never go to heaven. He must go where he will receive his just reward.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Un-common punctuation by the majority of people
He is a young man, yet experienced in vice and wickedness, he is never found. In opposing the works of iniquity, he takes delight. In the downfall of his neighbors, he never rejoices. In the prosperity of his fellow-creatures, he is always ready to assist. In destroying the peace of society, he takes no pleasure. In serving the Lord, he is uncommonly diligent. In sowing discord among his friends and acquaintances, he takes no pride. In laboring to promote the cause of Christianity, he has not been negligent. In endeavoring to tear down the church, he makes no effort. To subdue his evil passions, he strives hard. To build up satan’s kingdom, he lends no aid. To the support of the gospel among the heathen, he contributes largely. To the devil, he will never go. To heaven he must go, where he will receive his just reward.
It is no doubt that you have seen many people in the first punctuation, but how often do you sincerely pray and do your part on seeing them in the second punctuation?
('Inspiration for the Soul' follows the jokes)
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What's on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight began….
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight began….
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight began….
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have told her you ‘IQ’ you might have gotten disability too.”
And then the fight began….
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion.
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could celebrate that long?”
And then the fight began….
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the T-bone steak, medium rare, please."
The waiter asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
I said “Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight began....
My wife was standing looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.
She said, “I feel horrible, I look old, and ugly. “I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I said, “You got great eyesight!”
And then the fight began....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her backside look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight began….
My wife told me Friday night that she wanted me to spend Saturday with her shopping.
Saturday morning, I got up early and unknowingly waking my wife up. She remained quiet as
I quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.
Trying not to laugh, my loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight began….
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet anticipation.
She replied, "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So, I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight began....
My wife and I are watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to mess around?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
With intentions just to pick on her I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight began....
I was at the grocery store shopping with my wife. As we were walking down the beverage isle, I picked up a twelve pack of beer and placed it in the grocery cart.
My wife said, “Honey, what are you doing?” “I thought you were going to save money and stop drinking beer.”
I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re right” and took the twelve pack out and placed it back on the shelf.
We made our way through the store and ended up at the cosmetic area.
My wife picked up a small glass container of cream and placed it in the grocery cart.
I looked at her and said, “Honey what is that? That stuff is thirty-dollars!” What about us wanting to save money?”
She replied, “Honey, you don’t understand. This cream is going to take my wrinkles away and make me look young again.”
I replied, “That twelve pack would have done that for half the price!”
And then the fight began….
KEEP LAUGHING/KEEP SMILING
INSPIRATION FOR THE SOUL
ENGLISH TEST
MARK THIS PARAGRAPH INTO SENTENCES USING CAPITALS AT THE BEGINNING AND PERIODS AT THE END OF SENTENCES. INSERT COMMAS, ETC., WHERE NEEDED. ONCE YOU BEGIN, DO NOT TRY TO GO BACK AND CORRECT ANYTHING.
He is a young man yet experienced in vice and wickedness he is never found in opposing the works of iniquity he takes delight in the downfall of his neighbors he never rejoices in the prosperity of his fellow-creatures he is always ready to assist in destroying the peace of society he takes no pleasure in serving the Lord he is uncommonly diligent in sowing discord among his friends and acquaintances he takes no pride in laboring to promote the cause of Christianity he has not been negligent in endeavoring to tear down the church he makes no effort to subdue his evil passions he strives hard to build up satan’s kingdom he lends no aid to the support of the gospel among heathen he contributes largely to the devil he will never go to heaven he must go where he will receive his just reward.
Common punctuation by the majority of people.
He is a young man, yet experienced in vice and wickedness. He is never found in opposing the works of iniquity. He takes delight in the downfall of his neighbors. He never rejoices in the prosperity of his fellow-creatures. He is always ready to assist in destroying the peace of society. He takes no pleasure in serving the Lord. He is uncommonly diligent in sowing discord among his friends and acquaintances. He takes no pride in laboring to promote the cause of Christianity. He has not been negligent in endeavoring to tear down the church. He makes no effort to subdue his evil passions. He strives hard to build up satan’s kingdom. He lends no aid to the support of the gospel. Among the heathen, he contributes largely to the devil. He will never go to heaven. He must go where he will receive his just reward.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Un-common punctuation by the majority of people
He is a young man, yet experienced in vice and wickedness, he is never found. In opposing the works of iniquity, he takes delight. In the downfall of his neighbors, he never rejoices. In the prosperity of his fellow-creatures, he is always ready to assist. In destroying the peace of society, he takes no pleasure. In serving the Lord, he is uncommonly diligent. In sowing discord among his friends and acquaintances, he takes no pride. In laboring to promote the cause of Christianity, he has not been negligent. In endeavoring to tear down the church, he makes no effort. To subdue his evil passions, he strives hard. To build up satan’s kingdom, he lends no aid. To the support of the gospel among the heathen, he contributes largely. To the devil, he will never go. To heaven he must go, where he will receive his just reward.
It is no doubt that you have seen many people in the first punctuation, but how often do you sincerely pray and do your part on seeing them in the second punctuation?